I never thought I'd be here...33 years old, living back at my parent's house, going through a messy divorce, dealing with custody issues, questioning my career path, and back on dating apps to help quench my loneliness. This seems like one of those things that happens to "other" people, but not me. Other people go through horror stories, other people go through these terrible circumstances...not me. But trying to fight it won't help. It hasn't helped. There's no explaining what happened because it's not rational. Every person I talk to about this can't make sense of it. So I've stopped trying. I'm just over a month removed from the "incident", and here's what happened and what I've learned:
One month ago things were "okay". I wouldn't say great, but I certainly wouldn't say bad. My wife and I had recently moved down to Florida with our two young kids, and though my day-to-day was relatively similar, hers was not. Removed from her network of female family members, she was feeling disconnected and homesick. We spoke of this regularly and both know it would be an adjustment. We had the usual fights that couples do...she said one thing and expected me to know she really meant something else, I didn't get the message and then she'd get upset. Classic. Or she'd have "priorities" for me, and without knowing how urgent/important these things were to her (like hanging curtains), I wouldn't do them right away. And since I wouldn't hear anything about it I would assume it wasn't a big deal. Little did I know that underneath the calm façade was a bomb waiting to explode. And this was typical. I would think everything was fine, while in her mind she would ruminate on an issue, make it 10x larger in her mind, and finally, weeks later it would come out as a major issue and lead to a massive fight. All the while I thought things with okay. So we had a few of these fights in October, but it seemed like the norm. At least to me it did. I was trying, I really was. I have been working with a coach who helps me on relationships, communication and leadership, in addition to reading books and listening to audiobooks on relationships and marriage. Having two kids together made me even more motivated to keep things strong...for the family. I never wanted to have a "broken" home for our kids. I wanted a home filled with love, connection, unity and togetherness. But I guess in her mind that was a lost cause.
On October 26, 2022 I received a text message from my wife around 9am, shortly after I had gone up to my home office to begin work. She said she was taking the kids to the playground. Totally normal, I thought, as she does this a few times a week. Then I receive another text from her saying that she sent me an email and suggests I read it before 10am so things are "less confusing" when they get back. I check my email...even thinking of it now makes my heart rate speed up...and it begins with "this is one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write". Uh oh...here we go. She goes on to say how there are issues in our marriage, and have been for a while. She feels unheard, dismissed, disrespected and like she's on a path she doesn't want to go down. She says the issues are not fixable. Then she cuts to the chase...she wants a divorce and is taking the kids THAT DAY back to New York. WTF?!? My mind runs wild...is she serious? No warnings whatsoever? No discussions about this? Just a freaking email? After 8 years of being together, and 5 years of marriage. You've got to be kidding me. I race to finish the email, but at this point I can barely read. I call her, no answer. I text her saying we need to talk now, and she says "why?", shortly followed by "everything I have to say to you I said in the email". Again...are you kidding me? I call, I text, I call, I text...nothing. In her email she said that "none of this is open to discussion" and that all our of communication moving forward will be "via text or email". WTF?!? Heart racing, a million thoughts going through my mind, panic, overwhelm, fear, anger, confusion...nothing good. I'm alone...in this big house in Florida, I don't know where my wife and kids are, and I don't know what to do. I call my mom and attempt to explain what happened while holding back tears...unsuccessfully. She is, understandably, appalled and confused. I have no words. I have no explanation. This was totally out of nowhere. Never had my wife and I discussed divorce, her wanting to move back to NY, her being unhappy or having major issues with our relationship...but I guess she was running her play...let it build up inside, then do something major. The "major" thing had just never been to this level before. Not even close.
About 90 minutes later she showed up with her parents and a uhaul. Her parents had driven down from NY, which is at least an 18 hour drive, so this was planned in advance. I try to remain calm, trying to talk with her to see if we can work this out. I'm not done. I'm not giving up. No way I'm letting this go. She refuses to talk to me. I plead. Her dad is standing right there, I ask him to leave so I can have a private conversation with my wife. He asks her if it's okay, and she says "one minute". Again...seriously?!? Eight years, and you give me ONE MINUTE of conversation on a life changing decision like this? All I get from her is contempt, stonewalling and rigidity. She does her classic over-the-top hurtful statements like she does during any fight that's being going on in her mind for weeks, but only comes out at the very end to me. She says she doesn't love me anymore, and hasn't for four years. She says she sees no way things could ever get better, and that I'd need to be a totally different person. She says she's not open to talking about it. I try to understand what's going on, but she won't discuss it further. All of this makes no sense...there was never any violence, threats, hard drug use, adultery or anything...I wasn't the perfect husband, but I was far from being the type of person that deserved this treatment. At this point it was clear...her mind was made up. I didn't know what to do, but I did the one thing that represented what was most important to me...I spent every last second I could with my kids while they were there. Over the next hour or so, my wife and her parents packed up all of her and the kids' things into their uhaul and SUV. Everything...toys, books, clothing, shoes, hats, cups...everything. This 3,200 square foot house was now filled with empty rooms and painful memories. As they got ready to go I hugged and kissed my kids and told them I loved them so much. They didn't know what was happening...my daughter is 4 and my son is 2. Who knows what my wife told them. She certainly didn't give me any time to prepare for this conversation. So just like that...they were gone. This moment...right then...was the most painful moment of my life. My life as I knew it was done. My wife was gone, my kids were gone, I was left in a big house in a state that had nothing left for me. I was alone. Completely and totally alone. I broke down. Even now just thinking about it I'm fighting back tears. The pain, the cruelty, the inhumanity, the loss...I couldn't take it. All systems shut down. This house was the last place I wanted to be in the entire world. Empty bedrooms, missing toys, empty closets, missing family.
I booked the first flight to NY I could, which was a couple hours later. I packed a few essentials and left. Not knowing when I'd be back. I couldn't be there anymore, and I had to see my kids when they arrived in NY. My mom picked me up at the airport, and we didn't say much on the ride home. I was afraid to speak. I was afraid of what was happening, what might happen, and of completely losing control of my emotions. I didn't know at this point whether to be angry, sad, confused, hurt, disappointed, motivated (to fight), or what...I didn't know what was right. When we got to their home and got out of the car she hugged me and I lost it...the hurt and shock I had been holding back while on the plane and in the car all came out in that moment. Even thinking of it now I struggle with the intense emotion I was feeling. But I didn't have time to sit and process these feelings, I had action to take. Who knew what my wife was doing? Trying to access my money? Calling attorneys? Making up stories to her parents about why this drastic action was justifiable. I went back and forth between a sense of total shock and anger, and feeling that I had to try to resolve things. For the next few days I worked to understand what she was going through and what brought her to this point, but she barely responded, or if she did it was just angry, irrational, cruel words filled with contempt and unwavering rigidity. Having a conversation about our relationship to fix things? Out of the question. Creating a reasonable schedule for me to see the kids while I was in town? Apparently I didn't deserve it. A switch had flipped. The person I had known for 8 years was gone. A monster had taken her place.
I was home in NY for four days...she "let" me see the kids for a total of 5 hours. It was clear that she had no intentions of being reasonable, having a rational conversation, trying to work on things, or most importantly, doing what's best for the kids. She took them from me, without my consent, without any notice, and moved 18 hours and 1,200 miles away. She took them from their father who they saw every single day, claiming that she "has every right" to do what she did. Well...it seems that New York State will feel differently about her actions. We'll know more in a few days, as we're going in front of a judge to discuss the matter of a temporary custody and residency schedule. The monster that she has become is further fueled by her mother. The mother who couldn't even have a conversation when she was told we were moving to Florida. The mother who gets her enjoyment by being the "rescuer" of others...enabling them, keeping them weak so she can feel useful and strong. At every turn my wife rejected my attempts at creating a reasonable schedule for the kids and I. More cruelty, more self-serving behavior...no concern for what's actually best for this kids. The person I had known for 8 years...gone. I couldn't trust this new person. They were dangerous and irrational. So I had no choice...I had to get the law involved.
Every day I have to practice extreme patience. Every day I have multiple opportunities to "rip her a new a****le", so they say. Just when I think she's expressing a sense of reasonable behavior...BOOM...another totally ridiculous and irrational action. So I've stopped trying to make sense of it, because it doesn't make sense. She's created such a narrative in her mind that she has no choice but to continue to story, else she go crazy with guilt. In the absence of facts our minds create reasons for things. We "confabulate" stories, facts and reasons to support or arguments or actions. It seems, however, that the judge has not been swayed by her arguments. In the most recent round of legal documents, the judge crossed out every one of her "demands". I'm thankful that I have a great attorney, who has put together a compelling case showing that mothers have done far less than my wife and ended up losing custody and residency, which went to the father. She moved my children 1,200 miles from me. There are cases where a mother moved her children only 90 minutes from their father, which the judge saw as a clear act of unwillingness to co-parent or foster a relationship between the children and other parent, resulting in the father getting full custody and residency of the children. So that's our goal now. My wife clearly isn't doing what's best for the kids. She wants me to see them every Wednesday and every other weekend. When they've seen me literally every day of their lives (except for the occasional work travel). If I am granted full custody and residency I would still foster a relationship between my kids and their mom. I would never take that from them. But at this point, I cannot trust that she will d what's best for them.
Oddly enough, her actions have almost made it easier to get over the loss of our marriage. I feel like the woman I loved is dead. I see no traces of her. So now I am left figuring out what's next...what will happen with the kids, what my new routine looks like, where I'll be living (I love my parents, but I don't want to live with them), what healing looks like, and what any future relationships look like. I've had to practice patience, love, and emotional control more than ever in my life. One of us has to be rational. One of us has to do what's best for the kids. She's shown she isn't willing to do that, so it's gotta be me. I am so thankful for the love and support shown to me by my family, friends and coworkers. I don't know what phase of healing I'm in...every day feels a little different. I do have hope. Though I mourn for things I have lost...all of the future memories we will never create, and all of the past memories that are now tainted, I have faith that through this I can grow my relationship with my kids, grow as a person, and ultimately find someone to be with who I can love and rely on. Time will tell what will be the ultimate outcome, but I'm determined to come out of this a better father and a better man.
No comments:
Post a Comment